How often do we say things without knowing their meaning?
For a long time I have struggled with the meaning of love. As the product of a broken family, my experience with love had been contorted for many years. Lines were so blurred at times that I had to seek out what love truly meant.
Did you know that love defined by an English dictionary means:
1) an intense feeling
2) a great interest or pleasure in something.
Our society blindly and meaninglessly throws around this L word to a point were it has lost its luster. Love has been boiled down to a pleasure and a feeling. How can we delineate any form of true passion or deeper meaning from this word based on what society is telling us it is?! My ashiest friends boiled it down even further, saying love is just a bunch of electrical impulses in the brain firing in such a way that is perceived to be favorable or preferred to the mind. Are we really just circuit boards responding to electrical impulses and chemical dumps? I’d like to believe not. I believe love is something more, that can transcend space, time, and understanding. But…have we lost the true meaning of love?
My journey began by listening to pastors, psychologists, philosophers, and becoming a student of history. Many times I thought I had found the meaning only to have it crumble in my hands some time later.
One day I was listening to a philosopher speak with a young woman on the pains and tribulations of her childhood. I was moved on an emotional level by this woman’s story. This woman explained how horribly her mother treated her and how her mother refused to take responsibility for her actions. The woman spoke about the fighting, lying, undermining, and abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother. The woman kept saying that, regardless of all the bad, she still loved her mother. I’ll never forget the philosophers response. The philosopher asked her, “Why? Why do you profess to love your mother when she has done all these terrible things to you? What love has she given you? Simply stating that she is your mother so therefore you MUST love her is an appeal to authority, not a real connection to her. How are we supposed to connect with a person if they constantly exercise an appeal to authority of the position they hold, instead of to the person that they are? Do you tell your kids that you love them? Would you do anything for them? Then, how confusing is it to your children when you profess your love for them and then turn around to your mother, who your children witness treats you terribly, and profess that same word of love to your mother? That is confusing to your children! So, unless you can give me a darn good piece of evidence that your mother loved you WITHOUT bringing up her parental responsibilities of basic child care, then this conversation is fruitless because you are lying to yourself by maintaining that you “love” your mother.” The woman began weeping.
As the listener I could fell the realization that her mother never formed a bond with her. Her mother had exercised an appeal to authority this young woman’s entire life. I thought to myself, “how can a child NOT be confused by a situation like this?” “What message would I be sending to my child by using the same word to express my love for them as I do someone I clearly don’t feel the same way about and treats me horrible?” Something to ponder perhaps.
This philosopher got me thinking. How am I going to use the same word for my kids, wife, family, and God as I use for those that treat me wrongly or my enemies? My greatest desire in life is to teach my future children how to love. What kind of love am I teaching them by confusing them in this way?
I dwelled on this for months. At times, something of an answer would appear, but most of the time everything I learned just didn’t feel correct. One day I was listening to someone I really don’t care for all that much. I couldn’t tell you why I was listening to them on this particular day. They began speaking on the issue of love. My interest was peaked, so I decided to listen instead of tuning them out. They began to explore the topic of love and how everyone’s definition is different, but the worlds definition is incorrect. A man by the name of Thomas Aquinas was mentioned along with a quote that is part of what my definition of love is today. Aquinas defined love as willing the good of the other. This was as close to something that seemed right as I had found.
As I stated before, this concept has become a part of what I believe love to be today. Think about the statement “willing the good of the other”. This validates many bible verse. There is not greater love than to lay ones own life down for another- John 15:13. This verse is an exercise of willing another’s good over your own good. An ultimate act of love if you will. Many actions become seen as acts of love when viewed through this lens. Yet, it is still missing some definition. Loving your wife is different from loving your kids. Loving you enemy is different from loving God. Though I found a piece of the puzzle, the picture was still incomplete.
Then one day, I stumbled upon a series of teaching about the church and homosexuality. I hadn’t been looking for the answer to my love question in these sermons, but the answer revealed itself to me through the message. The pastor began to speak of the Greek language and its various definitions of the word love. While love may embody many different things at different times, almost everyone only has a two dimensional definition for the word. The pastor went on to explain that there are 4 types of love in the Greek:
1. Agape- God’s love
2. Eros- Romantic Love
3. Philia- Friendship love, Brotherly love
4. Storge- Protective love, Parental love
Immediately, I knew this to be the puzzle piece I was looking for. These categories classify love in an understandable and meaningful way. Agape love is the love God gives to you. It is unconditional in nature and is never changing. Eros is romantic love between a man and a woman. This type of love is characterized by marriage. Philia is love between friends, family members, and groups. This is the love we tend to experience 2nd in life when we begin to develop interpersonal relationships. Storge is love of a parent. This love is the first love we experience in the world. Storge is protective, empathetic, and self-sacrificial.
Eros holds a unique place among the 4 types of love. When agape exists, Eros is the ONLY one of the 4 loves that can embody all 4 of the loves. Agape must exist because agape love is an acknowledgement of the existence of God. Eros is designed by Agape to bring together Eros, Storge, Philia, and Agape. Only Eros love between a man and a woman can simultaneously embody friendship, protective/ parental, romantic, and God love together. No other love can do this. This is why Eros is sacred to the church and symbolized by marriage.
When love is understood in these ways we can begin to better understand the world around us. Eros, Philia, and Storge exist in rivalry to God without Agape. Without Agape love, Eros is redefined and can be characterized and molded into whatever a person desires it to be. Since Eros is a romantic love symbolized by marriage, removing Agape love removes God. With God removed, their is no moral foundation for Eros. Eros can then descend for being sacred to all manner of perversions.
In this way the church recognizes the error of homosexuality. Homosexuality can embody Eros. However, this is at the expense of rejecting agape. Agape love mandates that Eros is to be sacred and shared between a man and a woman. Sacrilege is the purposeful violation of Gods order. How then can one purposefully reject God and work towards Gods love at the same time? We can receive agape love as long as there is repentance. True repentance is characterized by purposeful lifestyle change and recognition of God. Repentance and pursuit of Eros love with a member of the same sex cannot be achieved simultaneously. Just as lying and telling the truth cannot be done simultaneously. In this way, you get one at the sacrifice of the other. Eros in this context also cannot procreate. This limits the ability of Eros to embody Storge love. Of course, adoption of another’s child can artificially bring Storge within Eros, but still remains in contention with agape. For these reasons Eros, when in opposition to agape, cannot be considered sacred because all 4 types of love cannot be embodied simultaneously as Eros is meant to be.
The preservation of agape love within the church also therefore preserves the sacredness of Eros love between a man and a woman. Without God, Eros is undefined. Homosexuality, bestiality, necrophilia, pedophilia all become relative to the culture. Does wrongdoing or evil even exist without a God?
With this renewed understanding of the word love, I believe life can be made more simple.
Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is not simply some electrical impulse interpreted as favorable by our brains.
Love is Agape, Eros, Philia, and Storge
Love is willing the good of others
Love is the craving of the human heart to belong in the sacredness of trust and relationship – Ravi Zacharias
God Bless
AL
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